QUESTION: Masters, I am just beside myself with worry. My 20-year-old son has fathered a soon-to-be-born baby with his girlfriend. I feel that he is becoming very secretive with us. He is supposedly away at school but we have found out from a friend of his that he has dropped out. He is coming home this weekend to go with the baby’s mother for the ultrasound exam. He has told her he will go through the Lamaze training with her. I have been having premonitions that he will hurt someone or that I will get a call that he is dead. Do I have anything to fear? Is he dangerous? Should I encourage him to marry the mother?
ANSWER: You do not have to worry about your son. The fear you have of and for his dying relates to the fact that your little boy is dying and you are watching the birth of a man and father. He has chosen to drop out of school to get a job and to wait to see what will happen after the baby is born. He wants to be a good father.
However, being a good father has nothing to do with rushing into a marriage. That is a decision that only he can make. The mother of the baby is a very controlling and manipulative individual and your son has become aware of this. He is going through a whole series of “what ifs” right now. He does not want to make any more moves that will jeopardize his future. He still wants to return to school and complete his degree. Give him the space to make his own decisions using his freedom of choice.
As a mother you want to take care of your child and make sure he does not get hurt. That is not always possible. He determined his life lessons before he came down here and is playing them out at this time. Let him have the entire experience he sought.
Rest assured he will be in that baby’s life as much as any other biological father who loves his child. He has made a connection with that child, which is another reason he is leaving school to be near the mother. He wants to maintain contact. He is aware that the mother’s parents blame him completely and do not think he is good enough for their daughter; he may need some help from you in dealing with that energy.