Can’t let go
QUESTION: Masters, a few years ago I was in a relationship with a man, my soul mate, he left me and soon found another woman. I admit it was hard for me to let go of him. However whenever I decided to end the contact with him, he kept coming back with emails and questions. It was hard for me to cut it off because even if I try to not give him much in the emails, I still reply. Knowing he is not honest with me, why does he do that? Why does he keep coming back? Am I helping his wounded ego? And is he sending me emails whenever he is unhappy in his relationship? Because sometimes it feels to me like it’s this way. ~Malgorzata, Poland
ANSWER: You had a relationship with a control freak who, when you exerted a little reluctance about his way of doing things, moved on to easier pastures. But he knew from the time you spent together that you were so unsure of yourself that he could still dangle his charms in front of you and you would be unable to resist. And you played right along with him as you responded to his fishing to see if he could still keep you hooked on his line. You even accept his lies, knowing that he is untruthful, when he says he still loves you and would like to see you. He is playing with you just because he can. It is an ego thing—that he is the boss in this situation.
You desperately need to be needed and loved. The attention you got from him you took as love. It was not; it was control. He still dangles contact because he knows you will be there at his feet like a faithful dog, awaiting a pat on your head. You and the woman he went to are not the only women he has attached to him by manipulation strings. It is much easier for him to have a stable via the Internet. He can entertain himself with letters when he is bored or wants to feel the big man.
This is a valuable lesson you are going through. It is neither right nor wrong either to stop it now or carry on longer. Please start going into your feelings and see what this is doing to you. Honor your life and path. You are still blaming yourself for the bad feelings you have. Get rid of the guilt—this is a two-way street. He is insecure and makes himself feel better by having others do his bidding. You don’t have to play along; he can continue having an effect upon you only if you allow it.