Playing with fire

QUESTION: I became sexually involved with a man whose girlfriend broke up with him. After almost 6 months he found out that I had fallen in love with him and he is now avoiding me. He said he thought we were just having a good time. My heart is breaking and I don’t know how to deal with my unhappiness.                     ~ Judy

ANSWER: Your lover was honest with you from the beginning that he only wanted someone to share a physical relationship with and not become entangled in love, responsibility, and life-sharing. Your sexual partner is still in love with his ex-girlfriend. He is feeling betrayed by her, and now by you as well. He cannot see himself in a family situation with anyone but her.

From the beginning you hoped the relationship could be more than a romp in the hay. You have wanted a companion whom you could depend upon to be always there, and who would love you above all else. When your lover said that he could accept only the physical release that the sex act allowed him, and not an entanglement, you were not completely honest with him about your feelings. Your expectations from the start were for the two of you to become a couple.

It is a very human trait to believe that you are able to change another person’s mind. In sexual relationships you feel that being totally open and giving will make the other person reciprocate. Nothing is further from the truth. People can and will change only when they make up their mind that it is time for them to change.

Your now-former partner felt that his ex-girlfriend was too demanding and thought only of herself and her desires. Your proclamation of love for him made him feel as though you were wrapping chains around him, taking away his freedom and decision making. You will have to admit that part of your behavior was to entice and trick him into something more lasting than he had in mind.

Be honest with yourself in dealings with others and you will never have a situation like this again.