Lies and forgiving yourself
QUESTION: Masters, I discovered 4 months ago my partner, despite a reconciliation based on assurances of honesty, has betrayed me a second time. I recognize my responsibility in choosing to return to him and believe he was different, but I’m having a hard time releasing the pain and struggling to understand why he would go to such lengths to deceive causing us both real stress. I realize my role is to let go, but I find it hard not to wonder if there will be a karmic rebalance or if he was meant to be a life partner that I have lost? I don’t want to judge but his choice to lie caused us both such pain and he returns to a marriage, which begs why? I know I chose this but I could do with some help to understand why he did this for years a second time? ~Louisa, UK
ANSWER: How many times do you need to allow yourself to be duped? How many times will you see that your wishing, wanting, and hoping will not make it so? Accept the situation for what it is. You really wanted to be able to believe him and not have all the time you invested in the relationship go for naught.
The pain you are feeling is more from your disappointment in your decision to trust him. He is incapable of feeling remorse or sensing the depth of your pain. In his life everything is about him and what he desires. It is time to forgive yourself and see this as a life lesson you chose in order to understand that you can be responsible only for your own actions.
It is time to stop living in the past and to begin a new life from this day forward. Accept that each of you is working on your own life lessons. Forgive yourself for being such a trusting, good-hearted person. Accept that his path is egotistical and self-serving. He doesn’t know any better. His judgment is all about his wants; he has very little, if any, pain from his choices – just a little inconvenience. Make the choice to create a wonder world for yourself.
Life lessons are usually short-term situations you pass through and then go on to something else. Unless you cling to this experience, in a while it will just be a thing of the past. There are other romantic potentials out there. Don’t judge what either of you did. There is no such thing as karmic rebalance; each of you uses experiences to gain wisdom, and that is all.