Internal conflict
QUESTION: Masters, I have a number of chronic health conditions I feel I have brought on myself, and I cannot seem to overcome or accept them. I no longer know what to do. Many times recently, I have wanted to “check out” or run away from this life. In theory I understand the need for affirmations and positive thinking, but I am unable to believe this. I treat myself to a lot of negative self-talk, calling myself “a fat cow,” “useless,” etc. I feel physical limitations trap me. I am like a ghost in my own home. I hover around and feel there is no longer any place for me. Very little interests me or gets me excited. I have sought all types of help but realize any change must come from within. I feel that my psyche is under lock and key—it just won’t release. I often hate myself and then berate myself for feeling that way. Most times I just want to hide or sleep. I know these are depression symptoms, but even with medication, they continue. I am very discouraged. Please help me. ~Darlene, Canada
ANSWER: You are well aware of the reason for your problems but you have not admitted it to yourself. You do not love yourself; as a matter of fact you hate yourself. This lack of love makes it easy to be as nasty to yourself as you believe you deserve. You will not allow yourself to go into the causes of your thinking because it would be too painful for you. This you explain by saying your psyche is under lock and key and that it won’t release. Well, who has the key?
Nobody is going to be able to help you until you accept that all these negative situations have come to you because you are generating nothing but negativity. Love is the opposite of negativity. Accept the possibility that you deserve to be loved. You are a soul that came from the same place as all other souls, so why do you feel that you deserve less love than other souls?
After accepting the truth about your current condition, then believe that you can change. If you feel you cannot change, then you won’t. After you believe you can change, then work yourself into a place of knowing that it is possible for you to begin the process. After you know that you can do something, it is almost easy to begin doing it. When you begin allowing yourself to love and be loved, the negativity will start to disperse. As the negativity goes, you will feel the love around you and no longer hate yourself. Then you will become a person who can evaluate and deal with the situations which create a life other than what you desire.
The steps to change, therefore, are: accepting, believing, knowing, allowing, and becoming. Each action requires the desire to seriously change—so that is a pre-condition to having a fulfilling life.