Accepting reality

QUESTION: Masters, my husband and I have been together since 2001. We are both retired now (ages 65 and 72). He has some Asperger’s tendencies, has cheated and even been abusive all under the guise of a well-educated College Professor. I have prayed for years that we come to a point of mutual understanding and connection and that he learns the value of what he’s got. But every prayer seems a total waste of time. Do you see us finding connection and mutual understanding or should I pray for a different kind of life? ~Marijke, Wales

ANSWER: Your husband is an egomaniacal, abusive, manipulative beast. He fancies himself the center of the universe and will not hear anything that does not agree with that definition. In the beginning he could be charming and said the things to you which you wanted to hear, but it was all to get you into a position of committing to the life he chose.

You were in a vulnerable position when he first approached you, and this led you to create your expectation of the wonderful and respectable life you imagined being his wife would provide. Right from the start he was clear about his demands of you and you acquiesced. He didn’t hide anything but you thought he would change.

No one can make you do something you do not choose to do. You are not taking responsibility for your choices and are trying to pass off the blame to the source of your prayers. No spiritual entity can change the physical choices you have made – you have to do that yourself.

He is not going to change. You either have to make the decision to continue putting up with his abusive behavior, which isn’t stopping, or walk away from the situation. You are not going to be rescued by changing the “prayer” to one hoping for a different life. You have to take the initiative and create the life you want.