A new romantic interest
QUESTION: Masters, I have been in a monogamist same-sex relationship for ten years. My partner and I own a condominium together. I am a party animal and my partner, while social, is more the stay-at-home type. He has always worked very long hours, getting up and going to bed early. He has never insisted that I stay at home when he must sleep. My problem is that I am very excited by a new man who has come into our life. He broke up with someone and had no place to stay so we invited him to use our spare room. I now find myself attracted to him even though I still love my partner. This friend parties with me while my partner sleeps. What am I to do?
ANSWER: If you are asking for permission to have an affair on your partner, we will not make the decision for you. You have freedom of choice as to how you live your life. You would not be asking this question if the situation did not trouble you. It is time to be honest with yourself.
For a long time it has bothered you that your partner does not share the same interests, e.g., partying, that occupy a large percentage of your free time. He has never denied your right to do it, and has not tried to control you in any way. Your feelings for this new friend have a lot to do with the camaraderie of sharing drinks and gaming. When it comes to the daily activities, housework, cooking, laundry, your partner is always the one to be there and to do more than his share.
Is it a playmate that you are looking for, or are you considering changing mates? If it is just a playmate, and you do still love your partner, talk out the situation with him. Your partner is very intuitive and is aware of your turmoil, although not the whole cause for it. He knows that you have needs he does not wish to fulfill; he wants only the best for you.
If, in your soul searching, you find that you have outgrown the companionship of your partner and need to move on, in fairness to him talk that out with him as well. If you leave things as they are you are taking advantage of your partner. Let him know your problems and help you make your choice—he deserves that from you.