Living with a hoarder
QUESTION: Masters, I have a partner who keeps everything in case it will be useful later. I can’t stand the pile of newspapers and all sorts of things which are reaching the ceiling. I had a chance for one week when he went on holiday. So I threw all the newspapers to recycling point, hoping he will see he doesn’t need them. Instead he was furious and lost trust in me. I just don’t want to live in the clutter any longer but he doesn’t share my view. What can I do? ~Mami, UK
ANSWER: You are living with a man who has a dependency on maintaining possessions. He is also paranoid, possessive, selfish, and domineering. He is creating a hazardous living condition. It is very easy for bugs and rodents to take up residence in stored, never-moved items. Paper and cloth goods piled high with no ventilation between them become fire dangers.
He is showing you his unreasonable side in not talking to you about his problem. Just saying he feels he might need the items sometime in the future is an insufficient explanation. Being threatened by a partner throwing out old newspapers that are not being used is showing the degree of his psychological problem.
Have you noticed that your entire relationship has become one-sided? That the only thing ever considered is what he wants? It is time to stick up for yourself. It is time to honor the fact that you are just as important in the relationship as he is. Ask: what are you getting out of this partnership? At what cost to your self-esteem?
You must evaluate and see how you feel about the future with this person. Is being used and not considered important the way you value yourself? If not, find someone to talk to. Get some counseling. Talk him into counseling if he wants to save your relationship. You both need to get an outsider to look and tell you what neither of you can see or will admit.