The price of guilt
QUESTION: Masters, I moved my mother (89 yrs old) out of her nursing home and in with me in a very small apartment a year ago. I did this because I lost her money. So out of guilt, she is now living with me. It has been very difficult, and as a result, I have become very depressed and feel robbed of my life and freedom. I am somewhat past the yelling, anger, resentment and have settled for a morose and isolated existence. I know I am trying to accept my karmic fate, which just brings more self-condemnation and sadness. By the way, I have tried putting her in a medicaid facility but I just can’t do it. My thinking is that she doesn’t deserve to die alone in one of those places and again, if I hadn’t lost her money she could have stayed in her nicer place. I definitely can use some advice and guidance. I am so tired of beating myself up about this self-inflicted situation and all of the “should have’s” that I allow to plague me. ~Scott, USA
ANSWER: Whoa! Stop right there and look at what you have just said. “I know I am trying to accept my karmic fate”. Ain’t no such thing Buddy. You are simply taking responsibility for your own actions. There is no one holding a gun to your head and saying “Thou shall do this” – either on that side of the veil or this side.
Your thoughts about what you are responsible for have caused you to take the steps you have taken. It is called guilt in the human world. You have not learned the lesson involved or you would not still be punishing yourself on a daily basis.
Have you really talked to your Mom as to her wishes? She would rather be away from your energy right now, and who wouldn’t? You are not doing her any service by cooping her up in your tiny apartment and making her watch you tear yourself apart. She still loves you regardless what has happened. While there are not finances for her to return to her former nursing home there are alternatives.
Why do you say that she would die all alone in a Medicaid facility? If you find placement for her in such a place is it your intention to abandon her there? They do allow visitation you know. She would have someone there to talk to all the time. She would get her meals on time. Her physical needs would be met. You could visit on a regular basis and bring her little things to make her happy.
Stop beating yourself up. The past is the past. Don’t make both of you suffer while you try to work out your lessons. Remember, this would not have occurred without her consent to the situation. No soul goes through anything on Earth they have not been a part of planning. For some reason, that you are not concerned with, your mother choose to have all these things happen.