Unfaithful husband
QUESTION: Masters, last summer an angry woman sent me a message saying she had an affair with my husband and he left her after 6 years of dating. She wanted revenge by telling me. My world turned upside down. We’ve been married for 11 years and we have two kids. My husband explained that he was depressed and drank too much and met her at a pub many years ago. Now he wants to stay married and is trying to be sober. He promised me that he won’t see her again. He has been lying to me for so many years and now he wants to be with me. I don’t understand what I’m supposed to learn here and what to do. ~Katja, Finland
ANSWER: You have been the dutiful little wife, hiding your eyes behind your apron while you took care of the house and your husband’s needs. You had many signs of the wanderings that are a part of your husband’s life, but you ignored them rather than face them. This situation presented itself at this time so that you could not hide from the truth.
The question becomes: what do you want to do about this betrayal? Your husband is a very weak person and needs constant “hand holding.” If he is at home, he gets it from you; if he is at work or out at a pub, he gets it from whoever is available. He is also lazy, so the connection has to be easy for him to obtain. He will not go out and chase someone; it is all a matter of convenience. If he is not near temptation and his needs are being met, he will be faithful to the situation until there is another opportunity.
The question then becomes: is this the type of position you wish to have in life—the caretaker for a weak individual? If you try leaving things as they are, you can learn a lot about yourself and what you are willing to put up with. Or you can create a more balanced environment for the children. They are aware of the problems their father has and do not like the way he treats you.
What you are to learn from this lesson is your own impression of yourself and your value within the world. Why should you let someone else push you around and disrespect you? You are just as good as he is, but he has been calling the shots. Honor yourself as a soul having a human experience and claim your right to have freedom of choice over the conditions you will tolerate. You must ask yourself what you feel like doing. The decision is yours, and yours alone. Do not listen to family and friends in this matter. Do what feels to you like what you want.