Reality check

QUESTION: Masters I know you can’t tell me what to do but I really need advice. My marriage has not been good for a long time. We bumble along going through the motions but recently I have become aware that my husband really seems to be a compulsive liar. He actually lies like a child would. I feel like I’ve been played from the beginning. Our 30th anniversary is soon, and I just feel depressed about it. I have lost all my Joie de Vivre and l will admit to being scared to leave as I’m in such a rut. I acknowledge my own part in our current circumstances, but I honestly feel that he never really felt love for me nor I, him as we were so young and naive. ~Caroline, Ireland

ANSWER: You both started out creating a fantasy world to your liking. You each convinced yourself that what you had was exactly what you thought life should be like. When your husband told you something, you heard only what you wanted to hear, never questioning what was actually being said. Living in your own world you couldn’t be affected by his.

Your lives have been on parallel paths during your marriage but not on the same roadway, which has allowed you to exist as a couple and seem to be compatible to others. Don’t fault yourself for this predicament because it is the way a vast majority of relationships play out. Most individuals just never become aware of the gap between their vision and their partner’s.

Communication is the great awareness tool, but few people impartially examine what is being said. It is hard to justify the reality you have created for yourself if you must also see what those around you perceive as the shared truth of the situation. Complicating talking to one another are the emotions you bring to the mix.

At a young age, infatuation overcomes a meeting of the minds and appears to be true love. You both loved each other to the extent your lack of experience provided. In point of fact, if you look back, you will see you really didn’t have that much in common. You had no foundation upon which to build a lasting relationship, and ignoring what you sensed about your husband is the only thing that has kept you together this long. 

It is now time to honor yourself. What is it that would satisfy you on a daily basis? How can you find out what your truth is, and how can you live it? You will remain in your rut only if you choose to do so. You have used your creativity all these years; now use it to create a life of your own, whether you remain in the marriage or not. Forget the past – it will be an anchor preventing you from moving forward.