An ideal mate
QUESTION: Masters I met a lovely man 4 years ago, and moved in with him. I found it hard because his adult children still live with him, and there was pressure to go to his parents for dinner 3 times a week, which I didn’t enjoy. I moved out in order to have my own life back. I received much disapproval for this, but I didn’t care because in my heart I know what I need. I don’t feel this man really loves me in a meaningful way – he gets annoyed when I talk about spiritual things. Do I expect too much from my relationships? I’m learning to be what I need for myself, to love myself, but I still want certain qualities in a partner. Should I let go of the idea of having an “ideal mate?” ~Katalin, Canada
ANSWER: An “ideal mate” is different for everyone and every circumstance. You have used very specific expectations to define yours. Expectations are very limiting because they don’t take into consideration the wishes of anybody but yourself. Add another person and expectations are impossible to fulfill.
You have been desperate in the past to have a mate – so much so that you have jumped at the first offer to pair up with someone. This “lovely man” was great when not in his environment. He didn’t give you a good idea of what you would be facing if you moved in with him. His whole life is his family and mama is still calling all the shots. He would do very well in a commune or group-living situation.
This man does not know what monogamous love is about. He does not differentiate between love for his parents, his children, or his woman. One is just as important as the other. You convinced yourself, prior to moving in, that he would change his allegiance once you were there. As you admit, he did not.
This is all about honoring yourself and what you need to feel good about yourself. Don’t give import to anything but your own feelings in this matter. There are other men out there who would enter a sharing relationship with you if you defined what you wanted before you began. Be brutally honest with yourself and with them before you commit.