Dealing with life lessons
QUESTION: Masters my mother used to be very critical of me when I was growing up but I have gotten over it and let go of her negativity. However, I recently started helping her learn English and I’ve noticed that she is also extremely critical of herself. Though her language skills are quite good, she keeps saying that she is a loser and too stupid to learn anything even if she tries. I give her examples of her successes and try telling her that negativity will not help her but she continues to be very harsh on herself. Should I let her continue or try and change her outlook? I know that the choice is ultimately hers and I know that I would like to help her but maybe I’m overlooking some bigger lesson that she is learning and should not disturb her with my projections of her needs? ~Greta, Lithuania
ANSWER: You and your mother are dealing – and in your case have dealt with – almost identical life lessons. The difference here is that you worked on your doubts and fears and integrated the knowledge into your life. Your mother still allows hers to haunt her and make her miserable. She will not be able to change unless she allows herself to modify her beliefs. She raised you in this fashion since she believed it was the way things were with both you and her.
One’s life is controlled by what rules and regulations they “believe” apply to their life and behavior. From a very early age, you and your mother were both told that you were dumb, lazy, and worthless, and would never amount to anything. You accepted this at first, but then you evaluated it from the way you had lived your life and knew that what you had been told was not the truth. You then deleted the defeatist beliefs and replaced them with the positive, successful abilities that you use today.
Your mother has difficulty accepting what you are saying because in her mind you are that damaged, worthless person she sees herself as being. What you are doing with showing her examples that defy her beliefs is one of the only ways for her to accept her erroneous feelings about herself.
Her only other hope of changing is to go on a spiritual quest to explore her beliefs about herself and her life. Right now, her life is surrounded with fear that she will do something wrong, which she anticipates and even expects to occur. To her there is no such thing as freedom of choice but rather everything is pre-determined and she knows her “lot in life,” having been told it often enough by others.
A spiritual venture would allow her, if she can accept it, to believe that she is as good as everyone else and that she determines her own rules and regulations for life. A hypnosis session, where she is introduced to her guides and some of the spiritual teachers, will soften the blow of how long she has kept herself locked into someone else’s beliefs. There is hope for her to accept, but the choice is still hers.