Asking “how I feel” in situations

QUESTION: Masters is it fair to keep a marriage if you can’t define if it is love that I feel? I’ve been married for 5 years, we are from different nationalities and culture. I feel how much I’ve changed since I’m with him. I was a very passionate person, nowadays I’m more distant and cold as him. I like to be with him, spend nice time together, but I don’t feel really attracted to him, I don’t feel a need of having sex for instance. What can be learned from this? ~Luciana, Finland

Answer: It is time to be honest with yourself. You do not feel comfortable in this relationship most of the time. You stick around because occasionally you enjoy how he behaves toward you. Love is sharing yourself and all your energy with your partner, and your partner doing the same. You cannot make him love you. He treats you as a possession rather than as a cherished mate.

Because of those around you, you felt you would not be complete as a person until you got married. Along came someone who showed you interest even though it was not what you envisioned, but others said he would make a good husband so you got married. Before you wed, you never really got to know enough about him to realize that he was a cold and distant person.

You can remain with him if you wish, but ask yourself if you see any future improvement in the way he is behaving. You have freedom of choice to remove yourself from this loveless union and find someone who will cherish you and share his hopes and dreams with you. There is nothing wrong with deciding that you are in a situation where you are not happy and cannot see yourself becoming content in the future.

Whenever you have to change your personality to be with another, and it is not a change you enjoy, think about moving on. It is time to honor yourself. Love yourself enough to see that this relationship is dragging you down, and do something about it.