Monastic life in the middle of society
QUESTION: I feel very lost and alone although I am a successful professional. I am overwhelmed with a pervasive sadness, almost as if I am in constant mourning. I realize that this is not a healthy way to approach life but I have chosen to isolate myself for several years now. I am completing an advanced degree but finishing the dissertation has been excruciatingly difficult for me. Through perseverance, I will be finished within a few days. Obviously, there are many lessons bound up in all of this, but could you please suggest a direction for me that will bring me some personal fulfillment and also help me focus outward instead of being so preoccupied with myself? ~Patricia
ANSWER: The life you are describing is an example of a monastic life dedicated to knowledge. It is only through isolation and discipline that the monks accomplished their great intellectual works. You were a monk in the past, and the situation with your studies and the workload have caused you to revert to that lifestyle of isolation in order to complete your degree.
Your sense of sadness, which has been increasing, is due to the fact that your current studies are at an end. You have no further justification for your cloistered living, and the sense that it is going to be a death for you is overwhelming. The old life work schedule is at an end, it is dead. The future is unknown, full of fear and anxiety, and you have no reference point from your life as a monk. You are mourning the comfortable discomfort of the past, while fearing the unknown ahead.
The preoccupation that you have been living in has not been directed inward. Had it been so, you would have sensed the energy core of your soul and found the love of self contained therein. Your direction has been to the box you inhabited defined by your activities. Because the box prevented you from interacting with the outside world it felt as if you were inner-directed.
Now is the time to search for that inner strength and warmth of unconditional love. Open yourself to the feelings that your success with knowledge has given you. Envision the possibilities for using that new learning and embrace the opportunities available. Enjoy the fruits of your labors and you will find your fulfillment.