Sticky belief systems
QUESTION: Am I wasting my time trying to help my husband to see how the belief systems he has developed in his childhood are having an impact on his present way of dealing with people? Would he benefit from seeing his mother if she is still in physical form? ~Martine
ANSWER: Once people develop belief systems, since they mostly come from parents, relatives, society, religious groups, and peers, it is very difficult to get them to realize that they have the ability to change them. Just as with the hard-drive memory of a computer, your belief systems keep controlling every aspect of your life until they are deleted, overwritten, or rewritten.
Most people are even unaware of the beliefs that control them so completely. If you ask why they have done something, frequently their answer is that they have always done it a certain way, or that is the way that everybody does it. If you press them further for a reason, they simply cannot tell you why.
The first step in getting people to analyze their behavior is to keep asking the “why” question. Pin them down. Don’t let them avoid thinking about their reasons. When they begin to start to question themselves, that is when they see that they never thought about their actions, which are just automatic. When you get them to this point, suggest that they start to watch their own behavior and see if they have a good reason for doing what they do.
Arguing, condemning, or ridiculing behavior will only force it deeper into the person’s psyche. As your husband tries to find reasons for his actions, he will have flashes back to his youth and will see that what he did then makes absolutely no sense now. It is like old, outdated information that has to be recognized as such to be purged from our memory.
Seeing his mother would only reinforce his patterns since his youth is where they originated. He must accept that the past is past and the present is now-a new blank slate that he has control over. He may be ready to see belief systems as limiting his horizon by keeping him stuck in the past, or he may very well be so comfortable there that he doesn’t want to move along. Freedom of choice rules.