Will he change?

QUESTION: Masters, I am at a crossroad. My husband fancies other women and acts on his impulses to the extent of seriously hurting me emotionally, and the kids are exposed to the aftermath violence. He is like a child who cannot resist the candy. I have asked him to change and heal but he is not taking big clear steps to heal. He says he loves the family and all and he has got a problem. I have already given him 2 chances before. Do I stay and help him and try again or pack up and leave? I have 3 very young children. Will he commit adultery again because it torments me so much? Is he sincere about changing? ~Sheila, Singapore

ANSWER: Will he do it again? Yes. Is he serious about changing? No. In his own way he loves you and the children, but marriage is too restrictive for him. He wants to be able to go out and do whatever he feels like doing regardless of whom it hurts or previous promises he has made. He has convinced himself that he was deprived while he grew up, and now that he makes the decisions he is going to do as he wishes.

You are being used by your husband to provide a safe place he may return to when he is tired or things aren’t going the way he wants. Since you have given in to him twice before, he thinks you are weak and will always let him continue his wanderings. Nothing is right or wrong in life; they are all just lessons. Your lesson is to decide how you want to be treated.

The choice for the future is completely up to you alone. You have to decide what you are willing to put up with. Don’t be concerned about what other people say or do; this is your life. The children are aware of the tension in the house and are sometimes afraid of the arguing. How you allow yourself to be treated is giving them guidance for their own adult behavior. What message do you want to teach them?

This part of your life is about honoring yourself: accepting that you are just as important as your husband; knowing that you deserve to be loved and honored and not thought of as a last resort or a fall-back spouse who will always be there. Take the initiative to create a world that matters to you.