Disappointing your parents
QUESTION: Masters, I am from a conservative family where my parents don’t really approve of a girlfriend. I stay in a hostel away from my home and get to visit twice a year. This January while I was in my home, my mom found out about my girlfriend. My parents were angry and cold to me thereafter. When I came back to my hostel, my parents did not contact me for a while. After some days my dad called me, but my mom didn’t. One day I called her but she talked to me normally. After that she still didn’t call me even once. My dad does call occasionally but he is somewhat cold to me. Please help me. My studies are affected badly since then. Also I don’t have any wish of going home this summer holidays, as my parents are being so cold to me. What should I do? ~Himesh, Bangladesh
ANSWER: The life that you are living is your own. It is not your father’s and it is not your mother’s. They were told throughout their upbringing what to do and what to believe. They have done the same with you. On your journey you may follow their lead or find what is right for your learning.
Beliefs are things with which you structure your life. Most of the time, you are totally unaware that you have the ability to challenge and change that which has been forced upon you by parents and society. Freedom of choice exists in all things. However, there are consequences when you differ from the beliefs of your family. You chose to have a girlfriend against the beliefs of your family, and their anger and disappointment in you is the consequence. This is neither right nor wrong for either of you.
When a choice is made that is not liked by another, their reaction may be to accept or reject. Your mom has rejected your decision to take a girlfriend rather than blindly following the rules of your society. This is the first major decision you have made in this lifetime, and the disapproval you feel from your family is hitting you hard.
Part of the drama here involves control issues. Your mother seeks to be able to control your life even when you are not living in the household. You may allow her to do that by honoring all her requirements, or you may see what feels right for the world you have before you.
Part of this lesson is having faith in your own feelings. You will not be controlled by anyone you do not allow to tell you what to do. When you are ready, you will be able to handle the rejection and coldness from those who want to control but whom you choose not to obey. Your decision had nothing to do with hurting your parents—it was something you felt you needed to experience in your life. Part of their belief had to do with your not being distracted from your studies. The distraction has not been the girlfriend, but rather the guilt laid upon you for not following their desires.