Caught in a loop
QUESTION: Masters, I was in a no-physical-contact long-distance relationship for decades with a man who pulled me close and held me away at the same time. I was fully aware that it was not a complete relationship, but I was raised to feel guilty and unworthy and we had a tremendously strong mental connection. I wasn’t sure I could expect more from love in my painful life. I broke it off years ago but he won’t stop stalking me. He told me he will never stop intruding in my life and won’t let me forget him. I admit I opened doors by sending condolences on his parents’ death, etc, but had no intention of going back to the half-existence of waiting for a man who seems to love me but has stolen years from me. I’m crazy patient by nature but finally realized I was losing myself, gathered my strength, and moved on. But he keeps hammering me with guilt about us having unfinished business to tie up and acts like he’s a hurt victim of my angry unfair behavior. Am I refusing to learn a lesson? Please tell me if I am mistaken in wanting to wish him well and move ahead with no further contact as I’d prefer to do, or am I destined to carry on like this with him for life, as he seems to wish, because of karma or whatever? ~Junie, Canada
ANSWER: Your existence is a perfect example of working through life lessons. Unfortunately for you, you have jumbled them all together in order to have a massive simultaneous experience instead of doing them one at a time. The premise you are working from is one of what you think about yourself. How do you accept who you are? Do you honor your own abilities or do you always acquiesce to the other person? And when a new example of the same lesson reappears, do you recognize it or have to start all over again at the beginning?
You have a need to be needed. It stems from not accepting the strengths that are within. The belief systems of your childhood have been closely guarded and retained by you. It is time to examine them and remove those that are no longer serving you. You cannot move forward when you cling to the past.
This man does not love you. He has never loved you for anything other than the gratification he receives from having you at his beck and call. He gets satisfaction from control and fear. He can sense when you have doubts or fears and it turns him on. He loves being a puppeteer. You took his communications as love and concern. This fulfilled your need for attention. But all you received was reinforcement of your built-in guilt and unworthiness. He was never a victim—you are.
Renew that strength which enabled you to break free before. You have nothing you can learn from him except how to distance yourself from his demands. Start ignoring him and any attempt to contact you. Erase the guilt he is trying to lay on you; see his actions for what they are: a desperate plea to allow him to further control your life. If you want a new existence cut him off cold—NO contact whatsoever, no acknowledgment that he even exists. He will eventually get the message. It will help if you block his emails and phone, and return any written communications. But it is still your choice.