Paying for the past
QUESTION: Masters, my oldest son has been a daily drinker since age 13. He is now 45, and the last several years have been so painful around him, and his wife, who has treated me and our family with rejection and disrespect. I finally told him I could not and would not take the abuse anymore and cut off our relationship. I have not heard from nor seen him in almost two years. My heart is broken and I have become very ill, both physically and emotionally, because of the cruelty of him and his wife. What can I do to bring peace into my life, and is there anything I can do to help him understand? He said he didn’t care about my concerns. ~M.A., US
ANSWER: Your son chose a difficult addiction problem which he somewhat blames on you. He, with his wife’s insistence, believes if you had prevented him from drinking when he was so young, a fact which allowed him to become so dependent, then he would not have this problem today. He sees his childhood as the cause of all his problems, and you as one of the orchestrators.
When you removed yourself from his abuse you were honoring yourself choosing not to accept his actions. You must let go of the anguish you feel. He has to decide to change. Nothing you do will make him decide it is time to change. The effect his actions are having upon you is the result of your blaming yourself for not being able to fix the situation.
You can be affected by the actions of another only if you accept that you should. Understand that he is living his life the way he has chosen. He can change if he desires but he is too angry to see that he can. Release the hold he has on you and the hurt he is causing you. Let him go his own way and restore your health by using the energy you use worrying about him to help energize yourself. Take care of yourself; he is not ready to listen to anyone else.